Thank you, Wendy. That’s incredibly kind. If the piece encourages even a few adults to ask different questions about the children in their lives, I think that alone can make a meaningful difference.
Such a powerful post, Gem. My desire is always that kids and adults alike see themselves for who they are and value their strengths. Yet so often our society and our school system changes the narrative for those who do not easily fit the boxes.
Thank you so much. I share that hope too. I think one of the saddest things is how easily attention can become concentrated around the parts of a child that seem problematic, while their strengths, interests and capacities gradually fade into the background. So often they were there all along — they just needed an environment where they could be seen.
Beautifully expressed Gem, I love to see the real examples and evidence of within systems presented here and refresh the principles of natural learning and what that can nurture. So true how a ‘label’ and its mode of delivery can impact the way we allow and engage with our future world… be that educational, medical, social etc. thanks for writing this piece
Thank you Gem ❤️ I’m really glad the real examples came through. I wanted it to feel rooted in the children I’ve known rather than just the ideas. And yes, I think that’s exactly it… the words and interpretations surrounding children can end up becoming part of the story they tell about themselves. Thank you for reading when I know your time is precious and stretched, and for always cheering me on :-)
"Eventually a child may stop seeing themselves as a capable person facing particular challenges and begin seeing themselves as the challenge itself."
That is exactly what I see. By the time many of these children reach me, the story is already so embedded. They are not avoiding the task. They are protecting themselves from another piece of evidence that confirms what they have already come to believe about who they are.
What you describe about alternative learning environments resonates deeply too. I have watched the same children who were labelled resistant become genuinely curious the moment the environment stopped requiring them to perform competence they did not yet feel.
The reframe you offer; not why isn't she engaging but how does engagement happen for her; is where everything shifts. It is such a small turn, and it changes everything that follows.
I write a lot about this from the school side of things, and it is always the relationship that creates enough safety for a child to risk being seen differently. Thank you for putting this into words so carefully.
Thank you. I really appreciated reading this comment, especially your observation that children are often protecting themselves from “another piece of evidence.” That’s such an important way of understanding what can otherwise look like simple avoidance.
I completely agree about relationships too. When a child has come to expect that they will be misunderstood, I think it often takes a relationship that feels consistently safe before they are willing to risk engaging differently. It isn’t usually that the child has suddenly changed, it’s that the conditions have changed enough for different parts of them to emerge.
Thank you for adding your perspective from within schools. It’s encouraging to hear the same patterns recognised from another angle.
As a child, I thought personality traits were genetic and permanent.
I remember my parents feeling exasperated by my extreme shyness, my messy room, and the endless hours I spent alone reading. They used labels to describe me and talked about how frustrating I was.
Because I didn't know how to change, I focused on becoming a good student to make them proud and avoided situations where I might feel inadequate.
At the time, I thought *I* was the problem. So I did my best to make myself useful while also staying invisible.
Looking back, I see my parents genuinely believed their approach would help.
Now, whenever I catch myself frustrated with my son, I think:
"What skill does he need to develop?" and "How can I help him feel safe, capable, want to learn instead of feeling judged and resistant?"
Thank you for sharing this so openly. I think it’s something many of us have to hold in mind as parents. Our children will always frustrate us sometimes, but they so easily absorb our words as reflections of who they are, rather than simply our response to a particular behaviour or moment. I really like the questions you’re asking with your son. They leave room for curiosity and growth, rather than assuming the behaviour tells us something fixed about his character. Thank you so much for reading and sharing your experiences 🙏
Once again, you have carefully and without undue judgement accurately described both the phenomena and the outcome of the way identity twists to meet parental and adult expectations.I especially appreciated how it can start with a casual remark as early as two years of age. Children below eight PLAY with words. Words are an important way we define our space, our safety and our belongingness. For instance, the absurd notion of the terrible twos exemplifies how this insidiously creeps into cultural norms. Up until about 18 months children have generally always hear positive remarks. Then they begin to move about on their own. Adults become concerned and "No" or don't do that are commonly heard. No becomes an important place marker, a boundary, and so they play with it with the parents. Sadly, many adults take this a "test of wills". And so the labelling begins. And, oh yeah, children really dislike to disappoint parents. They live up to their labels.
Parenting and educating are profound opportunities for our own growth, our own learning. I can feel your deep appreciation of this in all of your posts.
And thanks for listening to the podcasts. The next one has much to say about self-obeersation, as promised. Just published a bit later than expected. any critique for us to improve would be much appreciated.
Thank you. Your observation about children playing with words and the “terrible twos” (which I find very sad and misguided myself) is so astute. Indeed, my little one wasn’t simply reacting to the word “naughty”, she was exploring what it might mean about her and where she belonged in relation to us. And absolutely, I deeply appreciate that parenting and education are opportunities for our own growth. It’s something I’ve become increasingly aware of over the past few years. So often, it’s our own interpretations and assumptions that need to soften before a child’s behaviour starts to make sense in a different way.
Thank you for pointing me towards the latest podcast. I’ve really enjoyed listening to them and can already see lots of overlap between your work and some of the questions I’ve been exploring. I’ll make sure I give this one a listen too and share any thoughts.
After teaching in an alternative school for the last 15 years, I can tell you this happens so often. By the time high school students arrive at an alternative school, they often believe narratives about themselves that are far from true. They are the "bad kids", the "troublemakers", and the "dumb kids" but in reality they are probably the most misunderstood kids. Taking the time to get to know a student and see them as an individual pays huge rewards for both you and the student. Alternative school students are my favorite!
Thank you for reading and sharing this. It really resonates with my own experience too. Some of the young people I remember most vividly were those who had already spent years collecting evidence that they were the problem. By the time I met them, the story they told about themselves often felt deeply embedded. Like you, I did sometimes begin to see what became possible when a child was genuinely understood and someone took the time to build a relationship with them. I only wish more children could experience that long before things had become difficult enough to need an alternative setting. Those experiences have stayed with me for years, and they were very much in my mind while writing this piece.
So many passages of this essay stood out for me, but this is one that i'm still thinking about:
"Adults often talk about these changes as improvement. I am not sure that is always the right word. The qualities emerging are rarely new. More often, they were there all along, obscured by environments that did not know how to see them. Sometimes the child has not fundamentally changed at all. What has changed is the lens through which they are being viewed."
It can be so hard to look at our children (or the children in our care) through a neutral lens, one that isn't blurried by worries about how they are keeping up or fitting in. But as you point out, it's so, so important--- being truly seen can change a person's whole trajectory.
have you ever heard of the descriptive review process (Pat Carini)? It's a beautiful process that groups of educators can use to really see a child and then inform their work with that child.
Thank you so much. I’m really glad that section resonated with you because I think it’s one of the most hopeful ideas in the piece.
I’d not come across Pat Carini’s Descriptive Review Process before your comment, so I went away and had a read. It immediately resonated as such a thoughtful way of slowing down and really seeing a child before rushing to explanation or intervention. I can imagine how valuable something like that could be in so many educational conversations.
I suppose my only sadness is that, in many systems, there often isn’t the time or space for that kind of inquiry until things have already gone quite wrong. I’d love to see this level of curiosity and observation become something much more proactive. It’s something I’d like to explore more, not only professionally but in the way I observe my own daughters as they grow. Thank you for introducing me to it.
At our school we had monthly descriptive reviews. Usually it wasn't because something had gone wrong, but because we had a question about a child or we knew there was something that we weren't quite seeing. By committing to doing them and building it into our schools systems and values, we were able to make time for it. But of course, as you said, schools or other places of learning aren't making the time or space for this type of inquiry (often because they are too bogged down with the other stuff). All that to say, I agree, and also... it is possible! Anyway, glad you found Carini's work interesting.
I wish every parent, every teacher, every school administrator -- in short, every adult in a child's life -- could read and understand this!
Thank you, Wendy. That’s incredibly kind. If the piece encourages even a few adults to ask different questions about the children in their lives, I think that alone can make a meaningful difference.
It can. We help create change one question, one thought, one person at a time.
Such a powerful post, Gem. My desire is always that kids and adults alike see themselves for who they are and value their strengths. Yet so often our society and our school system changes the narrative for those who do not easily fit the boxes.
Thank you so much. I share that hope too. I think one of the saddest things is how easily attention can become concentrated around the parts of a child that seem problematic, while their strengths, interests and capacities gradually fade into the background. So often they were there all along — they just needed an environment where they could be seen.
Beautifully expressed Gem, I love to see the real examples and evidence of within systems presented here and refresh the principles of natural learning and what that can nurture. So true how a ‘label’ and its mode of delivery can impact the way we allow and engage with our future world… be that educational, medical, social etc. thanks for writing this piece
Thank you Gem ❤️ I’m really glad the real examples came through. I wanted it to feel rooted in the children I’ve known rather than just the ideas. And yes, I think that’s exactly it… the words and interpretations surrounding children can end up becoming part of the story they tell about themselves. Thank you for reading when I know your time is precious and stretched, and for always cheering me on :-)
"Eventually a child may stop seeing themselves as a capable person facing particular challenges and begin seeing themselves as the challenge itself."
That is exactly what I see. By the time many of these children reach me, the story is already so embedded. They are not avoiding the task. They are protecting themselves from another piece of evidence that confirms what they have already come to believe about who they are.
What you describe about alternative learning environments resonates deeply too. I have watched the same children who were labelled resistant become genuinely curious the moment the environment stopped requiring them to perform competence they did not yet feel.
The reframe you offer; not why isn't she engaging but how does engagement happen for her; is where everything shifts. It is such a small turn, and it changes everything that follows.
I write a lot about this from the school side of things, and it is always the relationship that creates enough safety for a child to risk being seen differently. Thank you for putting this into words so carefully.
Thank you. I really appreciated reading this comment, especially your observation that children are often protecting themselves from “another piece of evidence.” That’s such an important way of understanding what can otherwise look like simple avoidance.
I completely agree about relationships too. When a child has come to expect that they will be misunderstood, I think it often takes a relationship that feels consistently safe before they are willing to risk engaging differently. It isn’t usually that the child has suddenly changed, it’s that the conditions have changed enough for different parts of them to emerge.
Thank you for adding your perspective from within schools. It’s encouraging to hear the same patterns recognised from another angle.
As a child, I thought personality traits were genetic and permanent.
I remember my parents feeling exasperated by my extreme shyness, my messy room, and the endless hours I spent alone reading. They used labels to describe me and talked about how frustrating I was.
Because I didn't know how to change, I focused on becoming a good student to make them proud and avoided situations where I might feel inadequate.
At the time, I thought *I* was the problem. So I did my best to make myself useful while also staying invisible.
Looking back, I see my parents genuinely believed their approach would help.
Now, whenever I catch myself frustrated with my son, I think:
"What skill does he need to develop?" and "How can I help him feel safe, capable, want to learn instead of feeling judged and resistant?"
Thank you for sharing this so openly. I think it’s something many of us have to hold in mind as parents. Our children will always frustrate us sometimes, but they so easily absorb our words as reflections of who they are, rather than simply our response to a particular behaviour or moment. I really like the questions you’re asking with your son. They leave room for curiosity and growth, rather than assuming the behaviour tells us something fixed about his character. Thank you so much for reading and sharing your experiences 🙏
Once again, you have carefully and without undue judgement accurately described both the phenomena and the outcome of the way identity twists to meet parental and adult expectations.I especially appreciated how it can start with a casual remark as early as two years of age. Children below eight PLAY with words. Words are an important way we define our space, our safety and our belongingness. For instance, the absurd notion of the terrible twos exemplifies how this insidiously creeps into cultural norms. Up until about 18 months children have generally always hear positive remarks. Then they begin to move about on their own. Adults become concerned and "No" or don't do that are commonly heard. No becomes an important place marker, a boundary, and so they play with it with the parents. Sadly, many adults take this a "test of wills". And so the labelling begins. And, oh yeah, children really dislike to disappoint parents. They live up to their labels.
Parenting and educating are profound opportunities for our own growth, our own learning. I can feel your deep appreciation of this in all of your posts.
And thanks for listening to the podcasts. The next one has much to say about self-obeersation, as promised. Just published a bit later than expected. any critique for us to improve would be much appreciated.
Thank you. Your observation about children playing with words and the “terrible twos” (which I find very sad and misguided myself) is so astute. Indeed, my little one wasn’t simply reacting to the word “naughty”, she was exploring what it might mean about her and where she belonged in relation to us. And absolutely, I deeply appreciate that parenting and education are opportunities for our own growth. It’s something I’ve become increasingly aware of over the past few years. So often, it’s our own interpretations and assumptions that need to soften before a child’s behaviour starts to make sense in a different way.
Thank you for pointing me towards the latest podcast. I’ve really enjoyed listening to them and can already see lots of overlap between your work and some of the questions I’ve been exploring. I’ll make sure I give this one a listen too and share any thoughts.
After teaching in an alternative school for the last 15 years, I can tell you this happens so often. By the time high school students arrive at an alternative school, they often believe narratives about themselves that are far from true. They are the "bad kids", the "troublemakers", and the "dumb kids" but in reality they are probably the most misunderstood kids. Taking the time to get to know a student and see them as an individual pays huge rewards for both you and the student. Alternative school students are my favorite!
Thank you for reading and sharing this. It really resonates with my own experience too. Some of the young people I remember most vividly were those who had already spent years collecting evidence that they were the problem. By the time I met them, the story they told about themselves often felt deeply embedded. Like you, I did sometimes begin to see what became possible when a child was genuinely understood and someone took the time to build a relationship with them. I only wish more children could experience that long before things had become difficult enough to need an alternative setting. Those experiences have stayed with me for years, and they were very much in my mind while writing this piece.
So many passages of this essay stood out for me, but this is one that i'm still thinking about:
"Adults often talk about these changes as improvement. I am not sure that is always the right word. The qualities emerging are rarely new. More often, they were there all along, obscured by environments that did not know how to see them. Sometimes the child has not fundamentally changed at all. What has changed is the lens through which they are being viewed."
It can be so hard to look at our children (or the children in our care) through a neutral lens, one that isn't blurried by worries about how they are keeping up or fitting in. But as you point out, it's so, so important--- being truly seen can change a person's whole trajectory.
have you ever heard of the descriptive review process (Pat Carini)? It's a beautiful process that groups of educators can use to really see a child and then inform their work with that child.
Thank you so much. I’m really glad that section resonated with you because I think it’s one of the most hopeful ideas in the piece.
I’d not come across Pat Carini’s Descriptive Review Process before your comment, so I went away and had a read. It immediately resonated as such a thoughtful way of slowing down and really seeing a child before rushing to explanation or intervention. I can imagine how valuable something like that could be in so many educational conversations.
I suppose my only sadness is that, in many systems, there often isn’t the time or space for that kind of inquiry until things have already gone quite wrong. I’d love to see this level of curiosity and observation become something much more proactive. It’s something I’d like to explore more, not only professionally but in the way I observe my own daughters as they grow. Thank you for introducing me to it.
At our school we had monthly descriptive reviews. Usually it wasn't because something had gone wrong, but because we had a question about a child or we knew there was something that we weren't quite seeing. By committing to doing them and building it into our schools systems and values, we were able to make time for it. But of course, as you said, schools or other places of learning aren't making the time or space for this type of inquiry (often because they are too bogged down with the other stuff). All that to say, I agree, and also... it is possible! Anyway, glad you found Carini's work interesting.