This is such a vulnerable essay. Thank you. I have felt this way many times before and I hate it! I think what you write about stopping to really notice and observe when you're feeling this way is such a good first step. For me, it will continue to come up, but I hope that bringing consciousness to it will make a big difference.
Thank you, I think that’s exactly it. I suspect this will keep coming up too… the aim probably isn’t to somehow eliminate the reaction, but to notice it when it does and create enough space around it that it doesn’t automatically become our child’s problem. I’m finding that awareness alone can change quite a lot. And I’m really glad the piece resonated with you. Thank you for sharing this.
Thanks for a stimulating essay. and for your continued unalloyed honesty.There is much learning in all your writing. I wish to comment only on two concerns that you expose. First, there is the issue of the "Invisible Audience." It is always there, often carried forth by extended family as we carry their values embedded in our relationship with them. Many times I have folks tell me that their conscious and conscientious parenting is compromised by "how my sister, or father, or..." will reacts when they hear how I responded in a given situation. It is true for teachers in the way they respond to students as parents and admin comprise the audience.
You point to a more insidious audience--culture driven expectations which bring forth anxiety and distort our perspective. Over the years I have reminded parents that there they are, one on one with the child. I also have heard their disdain for the invisible audience, insisting they will never do it again. Alas, at best sporadic success. The only successful response has been to self observe, to notice the conditioning arising, and breathe without judgment. As you know I have extensive experience and I can report consistent freedom for those who can do this.
The second topic is social media with children. While there is much to say the most important factor is, as always, our relationships with youth. Yes, many factors are involved. Yet ultimately it wont' be a boundary we attempt to enforce, but one that emerges with us and the child. For this, the fields of knowing allow us to relate with children of all ages.
I do not write case histories any more. To vague, though fair representations. I have to realize that, despite many who have been influenced by Natural Learning Relationships, I learn best when engaging folks directly.
Thank you, Ba. I really resonate with what you say about the invisible audience being carried through our relationships and conditioning, and particularly with the importance of noticing that conditioning as it arises rather than simply deciding we won’t do it again. And your point about boundaries emerging through the relationship with the child really speaks to where I’m at in my exploration. I’m reading your books on the fields of knowing at the moment, so this gives me even more to sit with. Thank you for sharing your experience and perspective.
What a trip down memory lane! This is a brilliant - and very familiar - description of my own unravelling of the pressure to pay attention to the imagined voice of social judgement that led me to focus on the child in front of me, in the here and now, who they are and their needs.
I don't think I quite mastered it during my children's childhood and I hope I'm a much better grandparent.
Thank you! It’s certainly a long and arduous journey. Having others validate how important it is for us to do this gives me motivation to keep noticing when it rears its head. With such awareness, I’m sure you are a wonderful grandparent :-)
This was such a thought-provoking piece Gem, I truly read enjoyed reading it.
Thank you for being vulnerable with your thoughts.
You really made me ponder with this sentence: Perhaps the work isn’t to stop caring what anyone thinks, but to become aware of when that gaze has entered the relationship and started influencing how we see our child.
As a mum of 2 boys, it often crosses my mind that I am caring about what anyone thinks, because like you said it said their behaviour is a reflection of me.
Your description of your daughter with her cardboard phone and playing with it, made me pause and think that my first thought would be very similar to yours. Given the fact that I am also very much against tech for my young boys. My boy pretend that they are typing on the laptop with a pretend toy they have at home at times. My husband and I just smile at each other. No doubt there is a flicker of worry but I know that is him letting his imagination run wild.
Another behaviour that makes it hard (especially for my husband) is that my boys love to dress up in girl dresses or princess clothes, or just take my hairband and pretend. Often, it cringes me, but I know it is pretend play for me, they are exploring their body, and they are having a lot of fun. A part of me thinks that because mama also wears dresses and hairbands, they want to follow what I wear. My husband has a harder time dealing with this, he allows it for a bit, until it causes him so much discomfort that he puts the dresses away.
I really enjoyed your reflectiont, thank you again for sharing.
That’s such a tricky one, and also tricky to talk about and be honest about how we feel, given all the loaded cultural messaging around such things these days. It does seem like a really similar feeling to what we experience around our daughter’s strong interest in phones and makeup. I so wish she didn’t have some of these interests, as they’re against much of what we have tried to model and what we value. But, though they push right on our sore points, I’ve had to embrace that they’re part of who she is. And I think what you say about your husband finding the dresses harder is so interesting too. It’s fascinating how differently the same behaviour can land for each of us, depending on what it touches in our own history, beliefs and fears.
I don’t have all the answers, but I think being willing to look closely at our own conditioning and fears, and give them some space, seems really important. These are the subtle but very real challenges of parenting that aren’t really talked about in any parenting book or blog!
Thank you so much for reading and for sharing what you did — I’m really glad the piece gave you something to ponder.
This is such a vulnerable essay. Thank you. I have felt this way many times before and I hate it! I think what you write about stopping to really notice and observe when you're feeling this way is such a good first step. For me, it will continue to come up, but I hope that bringing consciousness to it will make a big difference.
Thank you, I think that’s exactly it. I suspect this will keep coming up too… the aim probably isn’t to somehow eliminate the reaction, but to notice it when it does and create enough space around it that it doesn’t automatically become our child’s problem. I’m finding that awareness alone can change quite a lot. And I’m really glad the piece resonated with you. Thank you for sharing this.
Thanks for a stimulating essay. and for your continued unalloyed honesty.There is much learning in all your writing. I wish to comment only on two concerns that you expose. First, there is the issue of the "Invisible Audience." It is always there, often carried forth by extended family as we carry their values embedded in our relationship with them. Many times I have folks tell me that their conscious and conscientious parenting is compromised by "how my sister, or father, or..." will reacts when they hear how I responded in a given situation. It is true for teachers in the way they respond to students as parents and admin comprise the audience.
You point to a more insidious audience--culture driven expectations which bring forth anxiety and distort our perspective. Over the years I have reminded parents that there they are, one on one with the child. I also have heard their disdain for the invisible audience, insisting they will never do it again. Alas, at best sporadic success. The only successful response has been to self observe, to notice the conditioning arising, and breathe without judgment. As you know I have extensive experience and I can report consistent freedom for those who can do this.
The second topic is social media with children. While there is much to say the most important factor is, as always, our relationships with youth. Yes, many factors are involved. Yet ultimately it wont' be a boundary we attempt to enforce, but one that emerges with us and the child. For this, the fields of knowing allow us to relate with children of all ages.
I do not write case histories any more. To vague, though fair representations. I have to realize that, despite many who have been influenced by Natural Learning Relationships, I learn best when engaging folks directly.
Much appreciation.
Thank you, Ba. I really resonate with what you say about the invisible audience being carried through our relationships and conditioning, and particularly with the importance of noticing that conditioning as it arises rather than simply deciding we won’t do it again. And your point about boundaries emerging through the relationship with the child really speaks to where I’m at in my exploration. I’m reading your books on the fields of knowing at the moment, so this gives me even more to sit with. Thank you for sharing your experience and perspective.
What a trip down memory lane! This is a brilliant - and very familiar - description of my own unravelling of the pressure to pay attention to the imagined voice of social judgement that led me to focus on the child in front of me, in the here and now, who they are and their needs.
I don't think I quite mastered it during my children's childhood and I hope I'm a much better grandparent.
Thank you! It’s certainly a long and arduous journey. Having others validate how important it is for us to do this gives me motivation to keep noticing when it rears its head. With such awareness, I’m sure you are a wonderful grandparent :-)
This was such a thought-provoking piece Gem, I truly read enjoyed reading it.
Thank you for being vulnerable with your thoughts.
You really made me ponder with this sentence: Perhaps the work isn’t to stop caring what anyone thinks, but to become aware of when that gaze has entered the relationship and started influencing how we see our child.
As a mum of 2 boys, it often crosses my mind that I am caring about what anyone thinks, because like you said it said their behaviour is a reflection of me.
Your description of your daughter with her cardboard phone and playing with it, made me pause and think that my first thought would be very similar to yours. Given the fact that I am also very much against tech for my young boys. My boy pretend that they are typing on the laptop with a pretend toy they have at home at times. My husband and I just smile at each other. No doubt there is a flicker of worry but I know that is him letting his imagination run wild.
Another behaviour that makes it hard (especially for my husband) is that my boys love to dress up in girl dresses or princess clothes, or just take my hairband and pretend. Often, it cringes me, but I know it is pretend play for me, they are exploring their body, and they are having a lot of fun. A part of me thinks that because mama also wears dresses and hairbands, they want to follow what I wear. My husband has a harder time dealing with this, he allows it for a bit, until it causes him so much discomfort that he puts the dresses away.
I really enjoyed your reflectiont, thank you again for sharing.
That’s such a tricky one, and also tricky to talk about and be honest about how we feel, given all the loaded cultural messaging around such things these days. It does seem like a really similar feeling to what we experience around our daughter’s strong interest in phones and makeup. I so wish she didn’t have some of these interests, as they’re against much of what we have tried to model and what we value. But, though they push right on our sore points, I’ve had to embrace that they’re part of who she is. And I think what you say about your husband finding the dresses harder is so interesting too. It’s fascinating how differently the same behaviour can land for each of us, depending on what it touches in our own history, beliefs and fears.
I don’t have all the answers, but I think being willing to look closely at our own conditioning and fears, and give them some space, seems really important. These are the subtle but very real challenges of parenting that aren’t really talked about in any parenting book or blog!
Thank you so much for reading and for sharing what you did — I’m really glad the piece gave you something to ponder.