Gem, thank you for sharing what must have been a very difficult account to write. I'm so sorry that you didn't have a place to land whilst you were at school. Reading this makes it very clear why you've decided to adopt the approach that you have with your own children. I hugely respect you for that and also for the great courage you clearly took in writing this article. Thank you.
Thanks so much Sam ❤️ It was certainly formative, although not the only reason I chose not to send my children to school. I’m not sure I would have considered an alternative path if it wasn’t for my adult working experiences within the health and education systems too. I hope to share more about that aspect in my future writing. But now I’m on this path it felt even more important to look back. Thanks as always for your support 🙏
Oh, dear Gem! I can certainly relate to your story. Secondary school can be especially challenging, as it’s such a sensitive and formative period in a young person’s life. Male bullies are often more overt and may even become violent, while female bullies tend to be more insidious, targeting a victim’s reputation and closest relationships.
I’ve been on the receiving end of that behavior myself, but I always fought back. I have a big mouth—you probably know that by now :) What troubles me most is when teachers or other authority figures, out of fear for their own positions, choose to “befriend” the bully—the ringleader. I’ve witnessed this firsthand, and it makes me sick. When that happens, who is left to protect the victim?
As educators, we must put bullies in their place early, or they’ll simply grow up to bully others in corporate environments—on high heels, in suits and ties. Thank you for sharing this story with us.
Thank you for reading and commenting ❤️ Yes, I agree, authority figures often don't do enough or even worsen things. Certainly in my case, talking to a teacher was never even something I remotely considered doing, which in itself highlights how unsupportive/un-nurturing my relationships with them were. I feel they were always people I just needed to keep happy (i.e. with good grades and behaviour) rather than ever being able to confide in or fully trust them. I wish I had had more balls to defend myself, as I know it must have made me even more of an 'easy target' when they saw they were getting to me, but we can't change our innate nature hey. And I am sticking my neck out for my own kids now 💪
I’m sorry that you experienced something similar and hope it hasn’t been too painful for you to recall those memories. I feel it’s important to tell these stories as unfortunately they are all too common and that in itself signals that something is very wrong.
Not painful, just sad. While at school I took it as ‘normal’ that these things happened, and blamed myself for not fitting in and belonging, got used to thinking that something was inherently wrong with me. That message was reinforced in my family life too: I simply couldn’t live up to the expectations of those around me, I wasn’t the person they wanted or needed me to be despite trying hard to.
Thinking back on my early life, it’s not a surprise that I took the direction I did as an adult, but I am not sure I would have if it hadn’t been for my husband’s DIY (do-it-yourself) approach to life.
Yes, I can see why I took the direction I have too, and also resonate with what you share about your husband... mine being "on the same page" was a crucial factor in me taking the non-school path with my children. I really feel for the many parents I meet whose spouses/partners are opposed to what they want to do or are already doing. Many times of course, they come round when they start to see the benefits for themselves :-) I think it is an understandable "fear of the unknown" that harbours the resistance.
Gem, I completely understand your experience. In fact reading it was like reading my own, apart from the fact that I rejected the opportunity to attend another school through fear of "better the devil you know". The isolating feeling is the hardest memory I remember. I remember one boy saying to me "you look like you belong in the popular cloud, but youre weird" - the shame I felt, ugh! School systems, in general, are quite abusive because its not structured around teaching children what really matters. Like critical thinking, .community, creativity, etc... There is no time for empathy. Im a Reception teacher in the UK, and even I feel overwhelmed. Despite your journey its amazing how you've alchemised a new pathway for your children ❤️
Thank you so much for commenting and sharing your story. Perhaps you could write it too, it was extremely healing for me 🙏 I’m so sorry you suffered something similar. How painful it was for us, and how this pain must have carried forward into our lives 💔 Yes school systems are potentially harmful in structure, despite the fact that most working within them mean so much good by working within them. I’m sure you are bringing joy and connection into your work with those little ones. I only wish that would be the case for all children and on throughout all of their schooling, but as you point to, this is just not possible within the current system.
I had to put this one in my saved file. I really wanted to make time for it sooner rather than later! I’m sorry this was your experience, Gem, but thank you for sharing it. While I was probably more like the girl who stood on the table to yell at people (I did exactly that a few times), I don’t think anyone should have to endure that kind of social experience. My father was severely bullied in school, and I was told early on by him that if anyone bothered me, I should beat the crap out of them. He had endured so much that he was willing to greenlight any defense I needed to take.
But why must it come to that at all?
When I see homeschooled children who don’t fit into social rank-and-file situations, at the hands of ringleaders. I can’t imagine it’s merely because of age groupings. But it does seem like children sent to school are thrown into the deep end socially and emotionally. Entire movies highlight this experience like it’s normal. But it really isn’t. Homeschool is proof of that.
Again, I’m so sorry this was your experience. But I hope it is at least making a difference in how your children get to meet the world today! 💕
Thank you April, I so appreciate you reading and commenting. I too have a long saved list of no doubt fantastic articles I am itching to get to, yours included!
Gosh, so sad to hear about your father's experiences and I completely understand his fiercely protective stance towards you ❤️ I so wished I could have been the kind of girl who stood on the table lol. I know a more assertive stance would have put me out of harm's way, as bullies prey on weakness, but as you say, it shouldn't have to be this way! You're right about how normalised these experiences are... I'm aware of cultural messages like "it's just how it is" and "it toughens you up for life" but to me those are inhumane and ignorant views. I do not feel it is ok that environments which are so potentially damaging to developing children's psyches are the default position/choice.
Yes, I can now be (almost!) grateful for these experiences as part of my early journey towards where we are now as a family. I didn't make the choice to home educate solely based on my personal childhood experiences, but they certainly combined with what I saw and experienced through working within the system myself later on to pave the path we are now on.
Thank you again for reading and for sharing, it means a lot 🙏
Firstly, I just feel so very sad to hear this and to recognise how alone you were. This is so far from OK and I find myself thinking of all the factors in the design of secondary schools that conspire against the young people who are their very raison d'etre. Secondly: the sensory details you give brought me into your story perfectly. I smiled at "bike shed dwellers" since I was one of those when I was at school. You have written this description of something that is so deeply not OK with disarming candour and it captivated me. I didn’t want it to be true and I know it is, not just because your wrote it, but because I worked in a school just like yours. I think it is woven through the design of secondary schools that these behaviours emerge. And I know it was happening there. Please keep writing about your experiences, painful as I imagine it is to recall, as the resonances for others will be so helpful.
Thank you so much for your support and thoughtful words Davina ❤️ It is the connections and conversations I am having here - with you and others - that inspired me to dig these memories up, reflect on them and share them. On a personal level, the process has helped with healing and integration (as I'm sure you are very familiar with), and on a collective level I can see how important it is to voice such stories. You are right, the very set up of secondary schools means these experiences are all too commonplace, sadly.
Gem, thank you for sharing what must have been a very difficult account to write. I'm so sorry that you didn't have a place to land whilst you were at school. Reading this makes it very clear why you've decided to adopt the approach that you have with your own children. I hugely respect you for that and also for the great courage you clearly took in writing this article. Thank you.
Thanks so much Sam ❤️ It was certainly formative, although not the only reason I chose not to send my children to school. I’m not sure I would have considered an alternative path if it wasn’t for my adult working experiences within the health and education systems too. I hope to share more about that aspect in my future writing. But now I’m on this path it felt even more important to look back. Thanks as always for your support 🙏
Oh, dear Gem! I can certainly relate to your story. Secondary school can be especially challenging, as it’s such a sensitive and formative period in a young person’s life. Male bullies are often more overt and may even become violent, while female bullies tend to be more insidious, targeting a victim’s reputation and closest relationships.
I’ve been on the receiving end of that behavior myself, but I always fought back. I have a big mouth—you probably know that by now :) What troubles me most is when teachers or other authority figures, out of fear for their own positions, choose to “befriend” the bully—the ringleader. I’ve witnessed this firsthand, and it makes me sick. When that happens, who is left to protect the victim?
As educators, we must put bullies in their place early, or they’ll simply grow up to bully others in corporate environments—on high heels, in suits and ties. Thank you for sharing this story with us.
Thank you for reading and commenting ❤️ Yes, I agree, authority figures often don't do enough or even worsen things. Certainly in my case, talking to a teacher was never even something I remotely considered doing, which in itself highlights how unsupportive/un-nurturing my relationships with them were. I feel they were always people I just needed to keep happy (i.e. with good grades and behaviour) rather than ever being able to confide in or fully trust them. I wish I had had more balls to defend myself, as I know it must have made me even more of an 'easy target' when they saw they were getting to me, but we can't change our innate nature hey. And I am sticking my neck out for my own kids now 💪
Thank you for sharing. Your story brought back memories of my own childhood school memories.
I’m sorry that you experienced something similar and hope it hasn’t been too painful for you to recall those memories. I feel it’s important to tell these stories as unfortunately they are all too common and that in itself signals that something is very wrong.
It is important.
Not painful, just sad. While at school I took it as ‘normal’ that these things happened, and blamed myself for not fitting in and belonging, got used to thinking that something was inherently wrong with me. That message was reinforced in my family life too: I simply couldn’t live up to the expectations of those around me, I wasn’t the person they wanted or needed me to be despite trying hard to.
Thinking back on my early life, it’s not a surprise that I took the direction I did as an adult, but I am not sure I would have if it hadn’t been for my husband’s DIY (do-it-yourself) approach to life.
Yes, I can see why I took the direction I have too, and also resonate with what you share about your husband... mine being "on the same page" was a crucial factor in me taking the non-school path with my children. I really feel for the many parents I meet whose spouses/partners are opposed to what they want to do or are already doing. Many times of course, they come round when they start to see the benefits for themselves :-) I think it is an understandable "fear of the unknown" that harbours the resistance.
Gem, I completely understand your experience. In fact reading it was like reading my own, apart from the fact that I rejected the opportunity to attend another school through fear of "better the devil you know". The isolating feeling is the hardest memory I remember. I remember one boy saying to me "you look like you belong in the popular cloud, but youre weird" - the shame I felt, ugh! School systems, in general, are quite abusive because its not structured around teaching children what really matters. Like critical thinking, .community, creativity, etc... There is no time for empathy. Im a Reception teacher in the UK, and even I feel overwhelmed. Despite your journey its amazing how you've alchemised a new pathway for your children ❤️
Thank you so much for commenting and sharing your story. Perhaps you could write it too, it was extremely healing for me 🙏 I’m so sorry you suffered something similar. How painful it was for us, and how this pain must have carried forward into our lives 💔 Yes school systems are potentially harmful in structure, despite the fact that most working within them mean so much good by working within them. I’m sure you are bringing joy and connection into your work with those little ones. I only wish that would be the case for all children and on throughout all of their schooling, but as you point to, this is just not possible within the current system.
I had to put this one in my saved file. I really wanted to make time for it sooner rather than later! I’m sorry this was your experience, Gem, but thank you for sharing it. While I was probably more like the girl who stood on the table to yell at people (I did exactly that a few times), I don’t think anyone should have to endure that kind of social experience. My father was severely bullied in school, and I was told early on by him that if anyone bothered me, I should beat the crap out of them. He had endured so much that he was willing to greenlight any defense I needed to take.
But why must it come to that at all?
When I see homeschooled children who don’t fit into social rank-and-file situations, at the hands of ringleaders. I can’t imagine it’s merely because of age groupings. But it does seem like children sent to school are thrown into the deep end socially and emotionally. Entire movies highlight this experience like it’s normal. But it really isn’t. Homeschool is proof of that.
Again, I’m so sorry this was your experience. But I hope it is at least making a difference in how your children get to meet the world today! 💕
Thank you April, I so appreciate you reading and commenting. I too have a long saved list of no doubt fantastic articles I am itching to get to, yours included!
Gosh, so sad to hear about your father's experiences and I completely understand his fiercely protective stance towards you ❤️ I so wished I could have been the kind of girl who stood on the table lol. I know a more assertive stance would have put me out of harm's way, as bullies prey on weakness, but as you say, it shouldn't have to be this way! You're right about how normalised these experiences are... I'm aware of cultural messages like "it's just how it is" and "it toughens you up for life" but to me those are inhumane and ignorant views. I do not feel it is ok that environments which are so potentially damaging to developing children's psyches are the default position/choice.
Yes, I can now be (almost!) grateful for these experiences as part of my early journey towards where we are now as a family. I didn't make the choice to home educate solely based on my personal childhood experiences, but they certainly combined with what I saw and experienced through working within the system myself later on to pave the path we are now on.
Thank you again for reading and for sharing, it means a lot 🙏
Firstly, I just feel so very sad to hear this and to recognise how alone you were. This is so far from OK and I find myself thinking of all the factors in the design of secondary schools that conspire against the young people who are their very raison d'etre. Secondly: the sensory details you give brought me into your story perfectly. I smiled at "bike shed dwellers" since I was one of those when I was at school. You have written this description of something that is so deeply not OK with disarming candour and it captivated me. I didn’t want it to be true and I know it is, not just because your wrote it, but because I worked in a school just like yours. I think it is woven through the design of secondary schools that these behaviours emerge. And I know it was happening there. Please keep writing about your experiences, painful as I imagine it is to recall, as the resonances for others will be so helpful.
Oops. Pressed send without this: 🤗🤗🤗 You are amazing.🥰🥰🥰
Thank you so much for your support and thoughtful words Davina ❤️ It is the connections and conversations I am having here - with you and others - that inspired me to dig these memories up, reflect on them and share them. On a personal level, the process has helped with healing and integration (as I'm sure you are very familiar with), and on a collective level I can see how important it is to voice such stories. You are right, the very set up of secondary schools means these experiences are all too commonplace, sadly.
Thank you for sharing this ❤️
Thank you for reading, Esther ❤️