This is really something, and I think I need an ongoing class on it. If you created one, I’d have to sign up.
I was this child:
“In many classrooms, the children who are quiet, compliant, and undemanding are interpreted as coping well. They are the “good” children. The low-maintenance ones. The ones who do not disrupt.”
My daughter is loud, intense, and determined. Something I’ve mistaken for inappropriate behavior at times, rather than a child who fully embodies herself. I’m not always sure how to balance both of our needs. But I do find myself pulling back on lessons to assess things like overstimulation, big feelings, and connection.
I hope you continue writing more on this topic. Many of us need it.
Thank you so much for your support, April 🙏 I am glad this topic lands for you. As you point to, I think it does for so many of us on this path, even though the framing in the article is leaning more towards school. I too find myself dropping (or not ever starting!) academic type lessons in favour of what might be deemed “safety” or “regulation work”. The beauty is that we can do that, which just reinforces how much children demand this by their very nature. I think our children often have come to us as mirrors for what we need to examine, and I too am challenged daily by my daughter’s unique wiring. Like you, I was the masking compliant child in school, but I think my nature was actually a lot like my daughter’s fizzy wildness, it’s just that it got curbed early! Hence why we can trigger each other a lot because the things she does scratch at old sore points of mine, so to speak. And yes the messages we carry about appropriate behaviour — that’s such a big one. I certainly will keep exploring and writing on this topic. I don’t have all the answers on exactly what we should be doing, but I feel the conversations are important and to share how we are all going about looking at it, holding it as important. I had a great example today of learning through experiencing some really tough moments with my daughter, which I’m sure I will share about once I have walked with the ideas a little more, if they seem to prove helpful. But the point is that I am also learning too — from what others share, from myself, and from my family :-)
You do such a great job putting out what we all need to hear about children and how we interact with them.
“Hence why we can trigger each other a lot because the things she does scratch at old sore points of mine,” speaks to my daughter and me! It’s wild what I internalized as a child and how she seems freer than I ever was. I love that about her, but it often sets me up for so much discomfort and questioning of my parental practices.
But I need your lens to help me think through so much that I’m doing in homeschool. I truly appreciate it. 😃
Thank you for writing this and sharing your insights. The section on pacing and misinterpretation really resonated with me. Recognising readiness as a thing and moving away from school-based expectations is something that’s been top of mind for me for a while now. When we accept rigid ideas about developmental timelines, and children don’t meet them, it’s so easy to default to more — more input, more support, more intervention. But I’ve learned with my own kids that readiness doesn’t respond to volume or adult-imposed urgency. A child who isn’t ready to read, or speak, or engage with a particular concept, doesn’t become ready faster because more adults are involved.
Speech and reading seem to trigger the most anxiety for parents and educators because they’re so visible. It makes it genuinely hard to just continue providing rich input and simply wait for a child’s natural pacing to arrive. Although I still wonder, at what point do you start thinking about disabilities that do need extra support of intervention? I still haven’t resolved that tension yet.
“doesn’t become ready faster because more adults are involved” — this is so true and so well put. In fact, it can even have the opposite effect. The more they feel pressure around a certain thing, the more resistant to it they can become.
Yes, speech and reading are certainly big ones that parents worry about. I hold a lot of trust in natural unfolding with these skills, having seen so much variation in my career and now with my children. However, yes there are thresholds where some specialist help can be useful. Very roughly I have heard unschoolers say regarding reading that if by around 9 it is not happening naturally to maybe seek assessment. But of course it will be about looking at each individual child in context. I am aware of stories in the research of 11 or 13 year olds not reading then all of a sudden picking it up in a weekend! Also I think of all the adults who struggled with Dyslexia as a child but went on to do just fine in life (also see my article: https://thenaturallearningpath.substack.com/p/the-children-who-struggled-and-then) Regarding speech, it does depend what the exact concerns might be. Happy to help more if you are thinking about a specific child as would need to find out a bit more (feel free to DM me). Maybe this is an area I could support home ed parents more with, thank you for making me think about that :-)
I’ve heard similar about reading ages amongst unschoolers. At first the idea of not reading at 10 made me very uncomfortable, but nothing is in a vacuum. I’m learning that if reading aloud is a strong component of daily family life, and kids have access to audiobooks, they are not necessarily losing out on the benefits of reading. A 10 year old who enjoys literature through audio is, in many ways, ahead of a child who doesn’t read books at all but can decode words on a page but with little understanding. A school-focused view would be satisfied with the second child although it’s clear which child will struggle long-term. It’s likely why health information in the UK is written at the comprehension level of a 9 year old.
I hadn’t come across that article about dyslexia though, will read through. It’s interesting to think that these childhood difficulties may just sort themselves out if we respect a child’s own developmental timeline and nurture the abilities that are already there.
I don’t have any concerns about my own kids right, but I recognise it’s an area many parents struggle with and would probably appreciate more support with.
Great point about comprehension vs decoding, yes I think that hits right on what can be different in many "late reading" unschooled journeys. My daughter who is two months off being 8 has listened to long, quite complex audiobooks for several years now, although her decoding has come on only in the past few months (driven by her own motivation).
Btw it's not really an article on Dyslexia per se, just a sharing of some of the stories of famous great minds who also happened to have been "late bloomers" :-)
I think the question we need to ask ourselves, as educating parents/grandparents/teachers, is what does safety look like for this young person? All too often we project what safety looks like, and is, for ourselves, and think that if we've set those parameters that is enough. It might not be. Who is this young person in front of us, what are their needs, likes, preferences, current situation? And to accept that, like capacity, safety might not look or feel the same from day to day.
Absolutely. It goes back to seeing the individual child and not homogenising. The same conditions could feel safe for some and not others, and as you say, this could change across time too. Thank you for reading, commenting and sharing.
This is very insightful. As a children's OT I'm often called in to work on regulation but the system doesn't give children autonomy to be able to take actions that would regulate them and the environment and policies are often creating huge stress.
So well said. Yes, they don’t have autonomy to prioritise their own regulation within an often inherently dysregulating environment. It’s great to connect with you, I learnt so much from the OTs I worked with.
Gem, you make so many insightful comments here. As a teacher I resonate strongly with more bodies in the room as sometimes more unhelpful than helpful.
Your perceptiveness around children's internal experience is remarkable. And I felt sad at the thought of a child just finding a place of calm and then the hour is up and, for her, back to defendedness.
Thank you Davina 🙏 Yes, unfortunately it often felt like a losing battle :-( This is why a lot of the work becomes about trying to get the same connection and attunement through the day as much as possible, and I’m sure you will be well aware of the many challenges of this. And the actual environment itself I was often completely powerless to change of course.
Beautiful work here! I’d like to send this article to all of the school personnel who try to help but still are limited by the school system’s setup of compliance based structure.
As an unschooling mom this makes so much sense to me as I’ve witnessed my daughter soften at moments and her natural curiosity comes out shining. It’s a beautiful moment to witness!
Thank you for your support Kelli, I’m so pleased this article landed for you. Oh yes, there are many well-intentioned and skilled practitioners whose effectiveness is limited by the constraints of the system. Feel free to send it to them! I’m so pleased your daughter’s nervous system is able to relax now and you are seeing her natural spark return :-) It’s how it should be for all children.
This is really something, and I think I need an ongoing class on it. If you created one, I’d have to sign up.
I was this child:
“In many classrooms, the children who are quiet, compliant, and undemanding are interpreted as coping well. They are the “good” children. The low-maintenance ones. The ones who do not disrupt.”
My daughter is loud, intense, and determined. Something I’ve mistaken for inappropriate behavior at times, rather than a child who fully embodies herself. I’m not always sure how to balance both of our needs. But I do find myself pulling back on lessons to assess things like overstimulation, big feelings, and connection.
I hope you continue writing more on this topic. Many of us need it.
Thank you so much for your support, April 🙏 I am glad this topic lands for you. As you point to, I think it does for so many of us on this path, even though the framing in the article is leaning more towards school. I too find myself dropping (or not ever starting!) academic type lessons in favour of what might be deemed “safety” or “regulation work”. The beauty is that we can do that, which just reinforces how much children demand this by their very nature. I think our children often have come to us as mirrors for what we need to examine, and I too am challenged daily by my daughter’s unique wiring. Like you, I was the masking compliant child in school, but I think my nature was actually a lot like my daughter’s fizzy wildness, it’s just that it got curbed early! Hence why we can trigger each other a lot because the things she does scratch at old sore points of mine, so to speak. And yes the messages we carry about appropriate behaviour — that’s such a big one. I certainly will keep exploring and writing on this topic. I don’t have all the answers on exactly what we should be doing, but I feel the conversations are important and to share how we are all going about looking at it, holding it as important. I had a great example today of learning through experiencing some really tough moments with my daughter, which I’m sure I will share about once I have walked with the ideas a little more, if they seem to prove helpful. But the point is that I am also learning too — from what others share, from myself, and from my family :-)
You do such a great job putting out what we all need to hear about children and how we interact with them.
“Hence why we can trigger each other a lot because the things she does scratch at old sore points of mine,” speaks to my daughter and me! It’s wild what I internalized as a child and how she seems freer than I ever was. I love that about her, but it often sets me up for so much discomfort and questioning of my parental practices.
But I need your lens to help me think through so much that I’m doing in homeschool. I truly appreciate it. 😃
Ah thank you that is so great to hear. We are walking it together :-)
So much so, Gem! 💕
Thank you for writing this and sharing your insights. The section on pacing and misinterpretation really resonated with me. Recognising readiness as a thing and moving away from school-based expectations is something that’s been top of mind for me for a while now. When we accept rigid ideas about developmental timelines, and children don’t meet them, it’s so easy to default to more — more input, more support, more intervention. But I’ve learned with my own kids that readiness doesn’t respond to volume or adult-imposed urgency. A child who isn’t ready to read, or speak, or engage with a particular concept, doesn’t become ready faster because more adults are involved.
Speech and reading seem to trigger the most anxiety for parents and educators because they’re so visible. It makes it genuinely hard to just continue providing rich input and simply wait for a child’s natural pacing to arrive. Although I still wonder, at what point do you start thinking about disabilities that do need extra support of intervention? I still haven’t resolved that tension yet.
“doesn’t become ready faster because more adults are involved” — this is so true and so well put. In fact, it can even have the opposite effect. The more they feel pressure around a certain thing, the more resistant to it they can become.
Yes, speech and reading are certainly big ones that parents worry about. I hold a lot of trust in natural unfolding with these skills, having seen so much variation in my career and now with my children. However, yes there are thresholds where some specialist help can be useful. Very roughly I have heard unschoolers say regarding reading that if by around 9 it is not happening naturally to maybe seek assessment. But of course it will be about looking at each individual child in context. I am aware of stories in the research of 11 or 13 year olds not reading then all of a sudden picking it up in a weekend! Also I think of all the adults who struggled with Dyslexia as a child but went on to do just fine in life (also see my article: https://thenaturallearningpath.substack.com/p/the-children-who-struggled-and-then) Regarding speech, it does depend what the exact concerns might be. Happy to help more if you are thinking about a specific child as would need to find out a bit more (feel free to DM me). Maybe this is an area I could support home ed parents more with, thank you for making me think about that :-)
I’ve heard similar about reading ages amongst unschoolers. At first the idea of not reading at 10 made me very uncomfortable, but nothing is in a vacuum. I’m learning that if reading aloud is a strong component of daily family life, and kids have access to audiobooks, they are not necessarily losing out on the benefits of reading. A 10 year old who enjoys literature through audio is, in many ways, ahead of a child who doesn’t read books at all but can decode words on a page but with little understanding. A school-focused view would be satisfied with the second child although it’s clear which child will struggle long-term. It’s likely why health information in the UK is written at the comprehension level of a 9 year old.
I hadn’t come across that article about dyslexia though, will read through. It’s interesting to think that these childhood difficulties may just sort themselves out if we respect a child’s own developmental timeline and nurture the abilities that are already there.
I don’t have any concerns about my own kids right, but I recognise it’s an area many parents struggle with and would probably appreciate more support with.
Great point about comprehension vs decoding, yes I think that hits right on what can be different in many "late reading" unschooled journeys. My daughter who is two months off being 8 has listened to long, quite complex audiobooks for several years now, although her decoding has come on only in the past few months (driven by her own motivation).
Btw it's not really an article on Dyslexia per se, just a sharing of some of the stories of famous great minds who also happened to have been "late bloomers" :-)
Absolutely agree with all of this.
Thank you, it’s important to talk about this I think. Have you seen this article? https://kevinstinehart.substack.com/p/schools-keep-solving-the-wrong-problems He’s saying a similar thing — that the foundations of healthy child development are absent.
Thanks for sharing - great article.
Compliance as survival...that sounds familiar:(
Doesn’t it just 😏
I think the question we need to ask ourselves, as educating parents/grandparents/teachers, is what does safety look like for this young person? All too often we project what safety looks like, and is, for ourselves, and think that if we've set those parameters that is enough. It might not be. Who is this young person in front of us, what are their needs, likes, preferences, current situation? And to accept that, like capacity, safety might not look or feel the same from day to day.
Absolutely. It goes back to seeing the individual child and not homogenising. The same conditions could feel safe for some and not others, and as you say, this could change across time too. Thank you for reading, commenting and sharing.
This is very insightful. As a children's OT I'm often called in to work on regulation but the system doesn't give children autonomy to be able to take actions that would regulate them and the environment and policies are often creating huge stress.
So well said. Yes, they don’t have autonomy to prioritise their own regulation within an often inherently dysregulating environment. It’s great to connect with you, I learnt so much from the OTs I worked with.
Gem, you make so many insightful comments here. As a teacher I resonate strongly with more bodies in the room as sometimes more unhelpful than helpful.
Your perceptiveness around children's internal experience is remarkable. And I felt sad at the thought of a child just finding a place of calm and then the hour is up and, for her, back to defendedness.
Thank you for this.
Thank you Davina 🙏 Yes, unfortunately it often felt like a losing battle :-( This is why a lot of the work becomes about trying to get the same connection and attunement through the day as much as possible, and I’m sure you will be well aware of the many challenges of this. And the actual environment itself I was often completely powerless to change of course.
Beautiful work here! I’d like to send this article to all of the school personnel who try to help but still are limited by the school system’s setup of compliance based structure.
As an unschooling mom this makes so much sense to me as I’ve witnessed my daughter soften at moments and her natural curiosity comes out shining. It’s a beautiful moment to witness!
Thank you for your support Kelli, I’m so pleased this article landed for you. Oh yes, there are many well-intentioned and skilled practitioners whose effectiveness is limited by the constraints of the system. Feel free to send it to them! I’m so pleased your daughter’s nervous system is able to relax now and you are seeing her natural spark return :-) It’s how it should be for all children.